| ARGH! |
[Dec. 6th, 2006|07:54 pm] |
Only 2 more days this week and then finals on Tuesday and Friday of next week and I'm done. So much more than that though.
1) Have to finish up my research proposal by Friday morning (Though, I've been more productive than usual and it is within a couple hours of refinement of being done).
2) Must do 4 extra credit 1.5 page papers for Research Methods to secure my A, I will likely end up with a very high B if left undone so I figure it wise to go ahead and do them sometime.
3) My Drugs and Behavior final is THIS Friday, which is nice because it means less during finals week, but it also means I need to study before then.
4) Read 2 books for my criminology final by next Tuesday. (Actually it's only one because I FREAKING READ ONE TODAY!) Oh yeah, I'm awesome.
5) I need to do the take home part of my stats final before I go in to take that test.
The majority needs to be done by Friday, but they're all due at various points, man, I need to get to work, but I don't think it's so much that I will have trouble getting it done.
I've recently re-discovered Yes, I've always loved them, but I had gone a while since truly listening to them had forgotten how simply astonishing they are. They're like Dream Theater's ancestor or something. I've been listening since Saturday. Pretty much straight since then. If you don't know who they are you should check em out, you'll be pleasently surprised.
Anyway, hope everyone's doing okay. |
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| My outlook |
[Nov. 20th, 2006|03:48 am] |
So I took a personality test again and got INFP as usual, sometimes I get sensing but that is my typical result. Anyway on the description write-ups that it gives after you take it this was written on mine:
"INFPs never seem to lose their sense of wonder. One might say they see life through rose-colored glasses. It's as though they live at the edge of a looking-glass world where mundane objects come to life, where flora and fauna take on near-human qualities."
I just thought that was so amazing and close to true as could possibly be. |
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| Bull shit |
[Oct. 6th, 2006|09:30 pm] |
Has anyone else seen these bullshit propaganda commercials about the war in Iraq? Talking about how we'll never be able to live or rest until they're all dead and so on and so forth. They make me sick and I can't believe they're still being aired. Some things just piss me off so much. |
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| Side tracked |
[Oct. 5th, 2006|11:09 pm] |
So I've come to the conclusion that the reason I love Guitar Hero, sports, music, and movies (basically, those are the things that take up a great portion of my time these days) is because they take me elsewhere. They make me feel as if I'm somewhere else and due to my weak attention span and vivid imagination, I actually believe it. What sucks is after whatever I'm doing is over and I realize I get to arrive back into ordinarity(Is that even a word? Because, if not, I'm making it one, it sounds awesome and looks even better).
Though, I must say, laughter really is the best cure for anything. |
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| Oh man |
[Sep. 19th, 2006|10:15 pm] |
| [ | Tags | | | music | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  mellow | ] |
| [ | music |
| | The Decemberists - The Island, Come and See... | ] |
I really like the Decemberists.
And on that note, I think I'm going to go play Guitar Hero and go to bed early. |
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| Such a Lack of Desire... |
[Sep. 18th, 2006|10:54 pm] |
| [ | Tags | | | life | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  disappointed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Pink Floyd - High Hopes | ] |
So I sit here at 11 o'clock, bass full blast, jamming out to Pink Floyd. I don't see it as being rude because even if my neighbor people are trying to sleep...Well, it's Pink Floyd, so it should help out with that. Plus, I kinda need loud music right about now, loud music and Guitar Hero, yeah, that'll help.
Today was actually kind of good, but for some reason I don't feel good about it. I went in to take the Drugs and Behavior test after leaving Research Methods expecting a solid 50 minutes of stressing about whether I will fail or not and left with the most unsatisfying 100% I could have ever imagined. The teacher, who is actually a really awesome and smart guy, accidentally screwed up the tests and on one of the versions had all the answers marked with an asterisc. So I guess that results in everyone getting 100%'s. I mean yeah it is a great grade, but I think what I'm upset about is how when I checked out the test anyway I realized I probably would have been lucky with a C. The grade I deserve is much lower and yet I get this. I'm to the point where I'm feeling quite undeserving of everything. I am getting a job, yeah, and I'm studying for my classes, but I feel bad because my mom is paying for most of this crap. I will pay her back as she pays the loans back, but still, I don't feel as if I deserve so much help and nurturing. I'm really so very lucky for her and sometimes I don't even realize it, no, I rarely realize it.
It makes my heart boil many times over how often I forget about my family. I mean, even as far back as immediately after leaving home, at the academy, I never once, not ONE TIME, went home to see my sister, mom, or dad on a non-closed weekend, not once in two years. I'm better now because I've realized how much I love them and how much they love me, but even now I sometimes forget. It just makes me feel so bad. My sister is going into surgery on Friday and my mom said she misses me so I think I'm going to call her Thursday to see how she's doing. It's elbow surgery and she's a Junior pitcher on the softball team so this surgery is a /really/ big deal for her. Hopefully she's doing okay with it and can get back to pitching.
Hopefully I can do well with the job, get good grades, and maintain the relationships with my friends AND family in the next year or two, I'm really scared and have been so for a week or so now. It's getting really old, maybe I shouldn't have come to Mizzou. I missed out on quite a few opportunities in both Kansas City and back when I went to UMKC in the first place. Next time I make a big decision I'm going to say, "Nope! My big decisions turn to shit. I'm staying put." |
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| Sooo |
[Sep. 17th, 2006|09:55 pm] |
| [ | Tags | | | school | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  anxious | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Lord of the Rings - The Two Towers | ] |
This Drugs and Behavior test is probably going to be pretty tough. I feel like if I took it right now I'd get about a High C - Low B so by morning I'm gonna be feeling like I'm about to fail it. I've done all the readings, not missed a single class, and I did the study guide, I just hope I do alright on it. It'll be the hardest test of the year so if I can even get like a 75% I should manage an A in the class easily.
*Is worried*
I also will probably start work tommorow, if not Tuesday, either way very soon and that makes me really nervous. I've only worked one other job before and when I went in to that one for about the first 2 weeks I would sit in my car gathering the courage to go inside. I don't know what it is. People don't make me nervous, I think it may just be the fact that it's something new. But, yeah, I'm going to be a wreck when it comes to going into orientation. But at least it'll be a job so I can buy Guitar Hero 2 and start saving up for a car. And at least I'll be working with 2 of my friends, at least part of the time.
Life's better than it was a week ago, but it could be a lot better if everything that feels like it's about to go wrong goes right. |
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| Hmmm |
[Sep. 16th, 2006|08:30 pm] |
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So, I completely forgot I had a LiveJournal. I also forgot how much better LiveJournal is than Xanga. I think I'll be using it more often now. |
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| Just some thoughts... |
[Oct. 15th, 2005|09:48 pm] |
| [ | Tags | | | emotions, life | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  contemplative | ] |
| [ | music |
| | sum 41 - pieces | ] |
Okay so a lot is going through my mind right now and I really want to just talk to someone, but no one is here or available, but nothing is new with that, so I'll just talk here. I wonder if anyone will read, and more importantly, if anyone will care.
Here's a conversation I was having with a friend earlier. I didn't realize I was even sad right now and she asked a small question about what was wrong and I wrote this:
[21:50] a49ftbl: Oh Im just hung up on everything in my life
[21:50] a49ftbl: I'm 18 and I want to go back in time or at least stay right here, but not really, yet I can't do either, I have to move forward, yet forward seems like hell
[21:51] a49ftbl: I could tell you everything I think but that would take all day
[21:51] a49ftbl: I'm not depressed
[21:51] a49ftbl: I don't think I'm useless
[21:51] a49ftbl: I think I *could* end up being something special
[21:51] a49ftbl: I know I have potential
[21:51] a49ftbl: I know I have a good life
[21:51] a49ftbl: I realize all thise
[21:51] a49ftbl: I also realize life isn't supposed to be easy
[21:51] a49ftbl: But I have remained as much of a child as I can
[21:52] a49ftbl: I don't ever want to lose that inner child
[21:52] a49ftbl: yet I have to if Im going to become anything
[21:52] a49ftbl: And that hurts
[21:52] a49ftbl: It doesn't scare or make me realize, it hurts
[21:52] a49ftbl: It hurts that I have to be something Im not simply to become something and go somewhere
[21:52] a49ftbl: I want to be myself and I can't
Before I realized I had typed a word I had spilled all my thoughts of that moment. It's rare that I actually get all the emotion of a single moment out in a sufficient way, but I did there. Now those are not my true feelings, just the feelings of that moment, so now, after the fact, I look at it and see some of it's true, but some of it's not and some of it's forgotten or exaggerated.
I think there *is* a way to keep that inner child and yet still succeed, I just haven't found it. I don't know how to find it. I don't know where to look. I don't want to look if it's not really there. With that part of it there's a lot to think on, but I don't think this is the most important aspect.
The most important aspect of everything in my life right now is simply why I want to keep that inner child. Life is the only thing that is real. The past is past, you can't change it, prevent it, or anything, you can't even really learn from it because every event is different. You have to react, not prepare. You can prepare, and that helps you react, but you have to live in the now or you'll fail. You can look to the future, but you can't live for it. You have to live for right now. If you live for the future you'll sacrifice that now and it'll never catch up, you'll always be sacrificing the present and you'll never end up happy.
Yes you have to be responsible, yes you have to plan, you can't just go through life like an idiot with no thoughts, but you have to find a middle path. I want to keep that inner child because if I don't I'll lose that path. I'll lose what's important. I'll never enjoy my life. I'll never enjoy what's happening now.
I'll never live.
So you see it's not an immature or rash decision or saying to say I want to live like a child, it's simply me saying I want the only life I'll ever have to be a good one. I could have been a doctor. I could have been a physicist. I could be a mathemitician. I could be a firefighter. I could do all these things and more. I could live nobely. I could live to help other people. Could could could could could. I NEED to find what I love and do it so that I can love my life, and thus, love those people in my life.
I've often thought if I was the most important person in my life. Sometimes, most often really, I believe that you have to make sure you're good to go to be the best you can be to others. You have to take care of yourself first, you have to be the best you can be, so that you can give the best treatment of every kind to others in your life. But. Yes, there's a but. There are times like this where I realize how easily and completely deeply I care. There are people I've known for mere weeks or months that I would tell anything to, do anything for, I care so much. I would almost say it's unhealthy, hell for anyone else, I would call it unhealthy, but for me, it's not. It's how I need to live. If I don't live with my heart on my sleeve or live willing to give my unconditional love to anyone that is willing to accept it then I'm not living. So this means I have to depend on others.
That's like the very opposite of what I tend to lean toward believing in most moods and situations. Depending on others? I thought I was meant to be the one that others could depend on? On the outside it does seem like I'm there for anyone who wants me there for them, and I am, and I mean it with all my heart. But I think there's a deeper reason for that care. Now I mean it and would do it without regret or second thought, but when this care first developed I think it was due to the fact that I'm just an outwardly emotional person. So I expressed that emotion by being there for someone the first time I was given a chance, and it was then that I learned that by being there for others I could in turn have someone to turn to.
That is confusing I bet. Basically, yes, I'm going to be there for anyone, no matter what. It may seem remarkable, but I actually believe it to be indirectly a way to express what I believe to others.
What if no one wants to hear what I have to say or what's going on with me? Then I'm screwed. But, I can't change. That's how I live eh?
That's still confusing. It may seem like I'm strong and there for anyone, but by being there for someone, that is my way of ensuring I have someone to go to. I guess that's less confusing.
Now I've confused myself.
Did anyone else follow that at all?
I have so much to say and it seems as if I'm alone in times like this. I hope that the future turns out to be as bright as it might be. I look to the future, not live for it, look to it, and I see that it has the possibility of being amazing. I hope it lives up to that possibility.
"[21:51] a49ftbl: I'm not depressed
[21:51] a49ftbl: I don't think I'm useless
[21:51] a49ftbl: I think I *could* end up being something special
[21:51] a49ftbl: I know I have potential
[21:51] a49ftbl: I know I have a good life
[21:51] a49ftbl: I realize all thise
[21:51] a49ftbl: I also realize life isn't supposed to be easy
[21:51] a49ftbl: But I have remained as much of a child as I can
[21:52] a49ftbl: I don't ever want to lose that inner child
[21:52] a49ftbl: yet I have to if Im going to become anything
[21:52] a49ftbl: And that hurts
[21:52] a49ftbl: It doesn't scare or make me realize, it hurts
[21:52] a49ftbl: It hurts that I have to be something Im not simply to become something and go somewhere
[21:52] a49ftbl: I want to be myself and I can't"
I've reread that a few times. While it may not be completely correct, it may be the most honest thing I've ever been able to put into words. I am completely honest usually, but I'm never able to put into words. That is pretty good though.
By the way, if you're curious, this was all sparked by the movies, One Hour Photo and About Schmit. Interesting eh? It's funny how these movies sparked these thoughts. Well let me tell you how that happened. I watched those two movies in the last 24 hours and I kept thinking, "What if I end up like the characters in these movies?"
They're two different characters, but both would be a bad lot in life. |
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| Hmm... |
[Sep. 4th, 2005|08:02 pm] |
Okay so I didn't really technically do an experiment because I'm sure the way I went about it was very much skewed, but I think I figured something out that is quite interesting.
I think with music people like it when it relates to a number of things: Their mood, what they're feeling, and then of course if they like the music itself, but there are things that make music that much better for some people such as surprise in transitions, unpredictability in lyrics or mood of the songs, talent of the musicians themselves, and all the intricate small details that can be overlooked very easily.
I was trying to see if people, in fact, liked at least part of what they thought was "silly" or "scary" or whatever without them even knowing what it really was. The reactions I got weren't what I expected, but if it wasn't really a failure either. Most of the time it was, "well they're okay, but it's a bit boring" and various things like that.
I think you have to appreciate the transitions, mood swings, and intricate details people over-look on the larger scale of things to appreciate the thing as a whole. You won't truly appreciate the beauty of it if you can't see the beauty in the rest of it, because without the rest of it you're looking at a portion of the piece and that's like looking at Mona Lisa's eye or never looking at space without a telescope. You have to see it all AND appreciate it all to appreciate the whole.
The reason this got me to thinking was that it applies to everything.
Also, can anyone help me with this:
Does anyone know of a fairly recent event that included either or both of any variety, of these instances:
1) A journalist lying about who he is/was to get a more candid interview. Basically, someone lying about who they are so as to get a more open response.
2) Someone either withholding important information due to confidentiality laws or beliefs, or someone having to breach the confidentiallity barrier in order to reveal a very severe crime.
Thanks for anyone's help. It can be in politics, hollywood, or really anywhere. I just can't find any solid examples of either of these happening. |
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| Experiment |
[Aug. 31st, 2005|08:47 pm] |
| [ | Tags | | | experiments | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Opeth - To Bid you Farewell | ] |
So I'm going to do something really nifty and suspicious and sneaky and no one will see it coming. I think Mike will get a kick out of this.
I'm going to take some metal, such as Opeth, Dimmu Borgir, In Flames, Mastadon, the really really "hard" stuff. Then I am going to take the beautiful sections of songs by these artists and edit them so that only the beauty part plays before the "thrashing" begins. I'm curious to see how many people supposedly hate metal or dislike metal, will in fact, enjoy part of the songs. |
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| Second guessing is the way to go. |
[Aug. 23rd, 2005|09:45 pm] |
| [ | Tags | | | emotions | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Dimmu Borgir - Puritania | ] |
Sometimes I'm not sure about anything, even how I feel or if what I'm doing is what I should be doing, or anything in my life at all. A lot of times this causes worry and sadness and and grief and yet I still don't take my own advice of "Don't sweat it." Sometimes it's not so easy even when you know what's best for you.
I've discovered that the good thing about the way I take care of things(or don't take care of things I suppose) is that it makes me think. It makes me wonder about everything, search out new ways to solve the problems that cause me strife. It encourages me to learn and mature and progress. I enjoy become more well-rounded, mature, and complete and the fact that I don't just let stuff go really helps me in that. It may cause more sadness and negative emotions, but in the long run negative emotions make the lesson stick better than if you were "happy" about the going-on's of life.
Now it's not that I hate life, or that I dislike everything, far from it. Just that I'm unhappy with certain aspects and am currently seeking ways to make myself learn why it is I'm unhappy, what about that makes me unhappy, and how to either learn from it and forget it, or accept it and move on without forever being sad.
The thing about all this is that you can't always be sure when you're really having problems that need fixing or when it's a problem that isn't too big on the bird's eye-view of things. There are different ways to judge, but it comes down to the fact that you'll know it when you're going through it. One of the obvious signs that have ever hit me in the face happened last night. I couldn't sleep. I always sleep, whether it's a tornado, whether I'm sick, whether I'm tired, whether it's noisy or quiet, whether the lights are on or off, whether people are around me or not, I can ALWAYS sleep and very quickly and easily too. Well, last night I went to my bed sometime around 10 and didn't fall asleep until 12:30 and didn't even sleep from then until 8. I like waking up at 3 or something like that only to fall right back to sleep, but last night it took at least 30 minutes to go back to sleep. Something was wrong with me.
Then it hit me. I was thinking the whole time. I have this innate ability to just shut off my brain if I want to and that's how I can fall asleep so well I think and yet last night it was not working.
I was thinking about the academy...
Not even on purpose either. I just hope it doesn't happen every night and I hope I'm not always this down about it.
Hopefully everyone's doing good. |
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| Letting it out... |
[Aug. 21st, 2005|12:47 am] |
Ya know, sometimes all you need is a good cry. It doesn't necessarily make everything better, but it makes you feel better about everything. It sort of releases all the sadness and grief or whatever you're feeling and leaves an empty feeling that ends up being filled, at least for a short period, by something more gratifying than emptiness or something worse. |
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| Endless Sacrifice |
[Aug. 19th, 2005|03:35 pm] |
Okay so I like posting songs, but on xanga they kind of get lost in the mess so with the nifty little tag addition LJ has, I'll post lyrics sometimes and the tags can be used to see all the song's I've posted when I want to read em. Kinda nifty.
( Read more... ) |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 18th, 2005|10:37 pm] |
Sometimes I think about something really small in scale and it leads into an hour or two of inner discussion with myself about the most important and personal thoughts, beliefs, actions, and reasons for why I do everything that I have.
I was thinking about why my music taste is so diverse, I find it weird that I can listen to the heaviest of rock and the mellowiest of singing and enjoy them equally. Not only that, but I can find beauty in the heaviest of rock and I can find grit and grime in the ballads.
From that I started thinking about why things appear to be different than they are. I mean you hear a band screaming and growling and the last thing you should be thinking of is beauty or elagance and yet that's how I would define it. It definately doesn't appear that way, yet to me, it is. Why is it that just about anything can be something entirely different than what it is until you further examine it, or even until you don't examine it.
Does that make such things fake or false? I dunno, I thought at one point that if something ever became black and white it was on it's way to becoming inhumane and I suppose I still think that, but you'd think it would be easy to see the truth sometimes. You'd think you would be able to see through the untruths of some things rather easily, but I suppose not.
Life is hard and everytime that thought occurs to me I feel as if I know the full meaning of it and yet later in my life I'll get more of a defined knowledge of what it is to know that life is hard. I grow and progress and yet sometimes I wish I could wind it back. I don't like growing. It doesn't make me any more of a person, it doesn't make me any more mature, it doesn't help, I just like being a child. I can take on responsibility and life and yet still be a child. If I ever lose that child side I don't think I'll ever be happy until I regain it, and so I've decided to keep it. That simple.
Does any of this make sense? I'm just thinking and this time I had to write it down or I would go crazy.
I just read my posts from the end of the year...Oh man, this is so hard...
Okay I was going to do a survey thingy, but it stretches the page and that is really annoying so I'm not gonna post it. |
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